The ISFJ and conflict...

Obviously, conflict isn't one of my strong suits. It's funny, if I can foresee conflict, I can prepare myself for it and actually do well to hold my own. On the spot though, I become a stuttering mess. I just can't seem to make a coherent thought which makes the opposing party that much more confident in their stance even if they're in the wrong.

I'd rather avoid conflicts whenever I can. Let's face it though, we all have to deal with it eventually. So I'm curious, how do my fellow ISFJs deal with on the spot conflict? Can you manage your thoughts and direct them effectively into actual words? If so, how do you manage?

I'm not an ISFJ but I have a very close ISFJ friend who, in the past year or so, has really been working to improve this aspect of himself. As you said, you guys can typically deal well with conflict if you see it coming, but the issue is (at least with my friend) he rarely can and is often caught completely off-guard. I have Ni, so seeing things coming (in the case of conflict, recognizing the underlying cause of the conflict and how it may cause a similar conflict situation in the future if not truly resolved) is my specialty and I try to help him there when I can.

The way that he deals with on-the-spot conflict generally is to temporarily distance himself from the situation so that he can mentally re-group if possible. By this, I mean the other person initiates the conflict, he listens, and then says some variation of "I need to leave, but we'll discuss this later" and then immediately goes off to think. He doesn't deal well with anger or strong emotions from the other party in an argument (i.e. he's relatively easily swayed or intimidated by them) so he uses physical distance to limit his exposure to the other person's negative emotions so that he can think logically.

Physical distancing is a tactic I use as well. Some people simply will not let you go though. Not that they can physically restrain you but if you tell them you need time to work through your thoughts, they simply say that we'll deal with this now. It seems to be those types that like to argue and are used to winning. One guy I think of in particular is an ENTP I know. Socially, we can get along fine but the moment conflict arises, he wants answers here and now and won't have it any other way. I don't have a problem with him right now so that isn't what inspired this thread. I just thought I'd give an example. :)

What happens when I'm put on the spot is that my emotions take control of the conflict. I can't think straight because all I can do is feel the frustration, anger, etc. of what I am perceiving as an attack. If panic is what I'm feeling, I have difficulty sticking to my values and just let them believe they are right. It doesn't happen as often as it used to but I catch this being one of my avoidance tactics on conflict. One of my personal growth goals is that I can learn to take a healthier approach to conflict. Mostly that I can ground myself, not letting my negative emotions take over. This is becoming an increasingly important issue for me as I take on new responsibilities in my job where there can be quite a few volatile people inside and outside of the company. :)

@Shadowdust The only thing that I can recommend that you do then is to do what you Sensors do best: get out into the real-world and DO. I know that conflict is incredibly difficult for ISFJs at times, but I don't think you'll ever learn how to handle on-the-spot conflict unless you're willing to engage in it and experience it (sort of desensitize yourself to it, in a sense). This means not only getting used to situations in which others initiate a conflict, but also understanding that your feelings are important and it is therefore okay for YOU to initiate conflict if someone has hurt you (diplomatically, of course).

All types have similar issues btw, just with other topics. For example, I used to avoid unorganized group situations (parties and the like) because I felt awkward/out of place in them. My mind conjured up a million different tactics that I could theoretically use to make these situations better, but I never really got over the anxiety until I just said "Screw it!" and put myself into these situations more often. Sure, this resulted in many errors (read: I STILL felt awkward at times) but the more that I was in such situations the more comfortable I began to feel. That being said, I'll never be an extravert (as you will never be what people consider to be strongly assertive, necessarily) but you will have improved and will be happier, and THAT is what counts.

I'm an INTP and my girlfriend is an ISFJ. Read into that as much as you'd like, but we get along very well. Our only incompatibility is conflict. When i need to analyze a situation in any intensity (be it casual, like INTPs do, or because i'm trying to structure a fight we're having) she insists on taking everything as a personal slight against her. She will then lock down and just become angry and stubborn, completely disregarding reason. I know i need to be 'type' sensitive and to relate to her emotion and show mine, but if i am right (even about something simple) and it is obvious and i've lead her to the conclusion logically multiple times, she'll essentially ignore what i said and rage again about something i just explained.

I need a way to circumvent these issues. I'm very able to admit when i'm wrong, but when i'm not, i refuse to hedge or be bullied. I would very much appreciate the guiding hand of an experienced and honest ISFJ or even INTP. This is but one problem in my relationship, but it bothers me to the point that i made an account here to seek advice.

Originally Posted by Sevchenko

I'm an INTP and my girlfriend is an ISFJ. Read into that as much as you'd like, but we get along very well. Our only incompatibility is conflict. When i need to analyze a situation in any intensity (be it casual, like INTPs do, or because i'm trying to structure a fight we're having) she insists on taking everything as a personal slight against her. She will then lock down and just become angry and stubborn, completely disregarding reason. I know i need to be 'type' sensitive and to relate to her emotion and show mine, but if i am right (even about something simple) and it is obvious and i've lead her to the conclusion logically multiple times, she'll essentially ignore what i said and rage again about something i just explained.

I need a way to circumvent these issues. I'm very able to admit when i'm wrong, but when i'm not, i refuse to hedge or be bullied. I would very much appreciate the guiding hand of an experienced and honest ISFJ or even INTP. This is but one problem in my relationship, but it bothers me to the point that i made an account here to seek advice.

I think sometimes, for me anyway, it's not really about right and wrong. It's more about the feelings involved. Maybe it is overtones of the discussion or maybe an internal issue that she's not talking about but I know when it's me, the right and wrong aspect is a minor detail to why I might get upset. When I would start getting the way you describe your girlfriend, my ex-wife always knew how to help. She would ask me why I feel the way I do. Not in a way that made me feel patronized but more of a genuine concern as to what was triggering my reaction to her. And in the end, right or wrong, we could always agree to disagree. The key though was that she was able to help me go beyond the details of what was going on.

I don't know if my experience helps give any insight but I know it was incredibly helpful to me to have someone worry less about the subject at hand and more about what triggered my reaction.

Originally Posted by Shadowdust

I think sometimes, for me anyway, it's not really about right and wrong. It's more about the feelings involved. Maybe it is overtones of the discussion or maybe an internal issue that she's not talking about but I know when it's me, the right and wrong aspect is a minor detail to why I might get upset. When I would start getting the way you describe your girlfriend, my ex-wife always knew how to help. She would ask me why I feel the way I do. Not in a way that made me feel patronized but more of a genuine concern as to what was triggering my reaction to her. And in the end, right or wrong, we could always agree to disagree. The key though was that she was able to help me go beyond the details of what was going on.

I don't know if my experience helps give any insight but I know it was incredibly helpful to me to have someone worry less about the subject at hand and more about what triggered my reaction.

That is probably the case with her and i. When i get into a discussion concerning details, facts, objects, etc; i always try to resolve that in the most logical way paying, i am ashamed to admit, a fairly small amount of attention to any sort of subjective feelings. I suppose my error is thinking that it is the events or facts themselves that are the issue to be examined and tuned. Rather, i should be trying to analyze and diffuse the emotions connected with them (which may sound like a trivial epiphany in an ISFJ forum, but i, through my own limitations, see conflict naturally as an objective exercise and an equation to be corrected; my Ti-Ne completely suppressing my inferior Fe.)

I don't suppose you can really identify with me on that level, but have you ever had conflicts with xNTx's? If you have, how do you attempt to deal with them? Maybe i can reverse engineer a good method from you.

Originally Posted by Sevchenko

I don't suppose you can really identify with me on that level, but have you ever had conflicts with xNTx's? If you have, how do you attempt to deal with them? Maybe i can reverse engineer a good method from you.

I can't really say that I've had an amazing successful experience with NT types. My grandpa and my uncle are two NT types that I know of and when we argue, it hasn't ended well in past times. I absolutely hate the conflict though and since I work with both of them on a daily basis, I mostly just let them think they're right. I just resolve in myself to agree to disagree with them though I never tell them that because they both don't believe there is compromise of opinions. I told them to agree to disagree once and that turned into yet another hour long discussion. xD More often than not, I will redirect the conversation to something else I know each of them is interested in. Something lighter so that I don't have to fight with them. Neither of them have much interest in psychology or the differences in personality types so there's very little I can do to get them to meet me halfway.

Though my ex-wife wasn't an NT, rather an NF, it was still difficult for us to see eye to eye. Especially in the first few years of marriage. It didn't start getting better until we started exploring the parts of us that didn't come so naturally. Though I'm not naturally intuitive, I attempted to see the bigger picture she was trying to show me. In return, she would try to understand the details of our discussions. Bridging that communication gap was extremely successful. Even though we're not together anymore, our communication with one another is amazingly effective. The reason I think it worked for us though was because we were both doing it.

My point is that this isn't something that you can as an individual. In a relationship, both have to meet in the middle. Maybe the next discussion you and your girlfriend have is about where each of you are coming from when conflict arises. I hope my input helps a bit. I really hope this doesn't come off like a lecture. :p

Hi. I'm new to the site but I'm an ISFJ and I deal with conflict by talking to others. I tend to bottle it up at times but generally, I like to discuss my feelings and talk to them privately about what's bothering me. I abhor drama though.

Originally Posted by Sevchenko

I'm an INTP and my girlfriend is an ISFJ. Read into that as much as you'd like, but we get along very well. Our only incompatibility is conflict. When i need to analyze a situation in any intensity (be it casual, like INTPs do, or because i'm trying to structure a fight we're having) she insists on taking everything as a personal slight against her. She will then lock down and just become angry and stubborn, completely disregarding reason. I know i need to be 'type' sensitive and to relate to her emotion and show mine, but if i am right (even about something simple) and it is obvious and i've lead her to the conclusion logically multiple times, she'll essentially ignore what i said and rage again about something i just explained.

I need a way to circumvent these issues. I'm very able to admit when i'm wrong, but when i'm not, i refuse to hedge or be bullied. I would very much appreciate the guiding hand of an experienced and honest ISFJ or even INTP. This is but one problem in my relationship, but it bothers me to the point that i made an account here to seek advice.

i am an intp and currently going through a divorce with my isfj wife of ten years. i understand the "getting along very well" thing in the beginning, since isfjs are so helpful and want to make people happy (often to their own detriment), and intps are so relaxed and just kind of let it happen. what i'm really taking away from my experience though is that being around S types for too long really drains me. i dont think an isfj is really going to love you for who you are as a person (lofty thinking, theoretical, philosophical, maybe a little quirky, willing to think outside of boxes, the things you value about yourself) its more just that they have a drive to love/help/provide for anyone in their vicinity, and you happen to be there. isfjs need stability and tradition and this only makes an intp, or any nt, feel trapped in what they are allowed to think/talk about.