The ISFJ and conflict...

@affezwilling

Originally Posted by affezwilling

So I think at the core of the problem is this. Knowing what I know about MBTI I completely understand where she's coming from. As an ISFJ she is very co-dependent, to me seemingly bordering on dependent personality disorder, as an ENTP I am extremely independent. She has a fundamental need for a great deal of emotional support and stability, whereas I have a fundamental need for autonomy. She needs me to be constantly there for her, which I am, but I need to have a great deal of time and space to myself, which I don't get because I'm constantly dropping everything for her. Her needs and my needs both seem to monopolize all of my time so I can only really accomplish 1 of them. I trying really hard not to resent her for this, but sometimes it's extremely difficult.

I have tried explaining our fundamental differences, but she doesn't seem to grasp the concept, or even want to grasp the concept, that people could be so vastly different and kinda blows me off. It's like she's stuck on her own Pygmalion project and the thought that I can be so vastly different and not cooperating with that project is a personal affront to her. The only way she seems to ever listen to me is when I blow up on her, which in the heat of the moment make it very difficult to speak on anything intellectually.

Like you said she's avoiding making improvements on our quality of life because that would mean *gasp* change... Funny thing is she doesn't handle change very well, but she's okay with spur of the moment decisions. The lack of change is driving me absolutely insane though. I know that it wouldn't be so bad if we didn't live on the far side of the city from all her friends and family which means I'm her primary resource for emotional support, which frankly I kinda suck at. Any idea how to let her know that she's monopolizing my time, which gives me no time to myself or my personal endeavors and stresses me the heck out, without making it sound like I blame her for being the primary stressor in my life? How do I convince her that by letting me be me (as massively chaotic as that may seem), instead of focusing all of her energy on trying to keep everything from spinning out of control, it would reduce almost all that conflict, which she abhors, down to virtually nil?

Well, it's hard for me to say, because she does a lot of things that I don't (even though I've hardly been in any relationships in my life anyway). In general, I'm pretty good at giving people space and having a "live and let live" attitude. It sounds like she's very attached to you and is smothering you more than you like. I actually think that's the way I feel a lot of times around other people...that they're smothering me.


I think part of it, though, probably comes from some ISFJ inferior Ne paranoia. She's probably afraid to let go of you, because she's afraid that if she gives you too much space, you won't have a need for her anymore, and that you might even go so far as to leave her. That's probably part of the reason why she latches on so much.

So it might be helpful if you give her a lot of verbal reassurance. NTPs usually can't stand doing this because they find it to be so incredibly redundant that it feels like a huge waste of time and mental energy, but it helps put ISFJs at ease so much because it satisfies our Si and keeps our Ne at bay. If you consistently let her know that you love her, care about her, and need her, then she probably won't be as afraid of losing you. This is especially true if you emphasize that needing some time away from her doesn't mean you love her any less, and that nothing you do in this regard will ever change the way you feel about her. If you focus on the aspect that your time together will mean more if you have more time apart, she might be able to relate to that. I know I do...I get overwhelmed with being around someone all of the time and I fight more with them. But if I spend time away from them, I value the time we do have more.


So that's the other thing...focusing on quality time rather than quantity time. If the time you do spend with her is time where you really do connect with her strongly and give her your full attention, it may help to satisfy her without you having to spend a whole lot of time doing it. I know I would much rather have less time with someone that's true quality time than a lot of time with someone when we're not doing much.


Finally, it's like you said...a huge part of the problem is that she doesn't have other people besides you to truly enjoy herself with. ISFJs tend to focus on a few things at a time but sink our teeth all the way into them. She's probably doing this with you because she doesn't have anything else. If you help her to find some other activity or hobby that she can really get into, it might help her to focus on something else and give you some time away from her. This also works with people, but it's probably going to be a lot harder for her to find other people to spend time with...it would be better with relationships and friendships she already has.


But as introverts, ISFJs can really enjoy time alone if we have something we truly enjoy doing. We (along with ISTJs) actually probably get into it more than almost any other type...but it's usually some tangible hobby, often studying details of something or collecting something. So if you could help her find something like that (and be careful to be very supportive of it and not to make fun of her about it, even if you find it to be something stupid), it will help get her attention on something besides you.

Originally Posted by sts06

This happened to me just last night with my mother in law, an ENFJ. We had a fight, the worst fight I have ever been in. I had enough self awareness to know that right then wasn't the time to 'listen' to what she had to say and I told her that. She refused to listen, and kept up the discussion (it actually descended into full-on screaming match, the only time I have ever shook with anger) despite it being very obvious that nothing productive was going to come of it in that moment. Then I tried to walk away so we could both calm down, but she followed and kept up the lecture (it started because she was lecturing me about how to keep my house). At that point I told her to leave and she still refused. From there it descended into the personal, attacks on character and by the end of it the relationship had dissolved so much that I don't think it can be mended. If she had just accepted that I needed time out and that it could be more productively discussed later when we were both calmer we might have been able to resolve it. Instead, we have a situation where the relationship is over.

Please, if you're in a fight with an ISFJ and it evolves to full-on screaming you need to back off and deal with it later. You will gain nothing by pushing the discussion in the moment and you may end up losing a lot. In my life I have only ever fully cut off one person. I am now about to do that to a second - and all because a fight escalated past where it needed to. Taking time out from a situation does not make somebody weak.

Wow, that goes beyond personality differences and just simply crossing boundaries that shouldn't be crossed. If I'm asking too much, feel free to tell me to back off but where was your husband in all of this? How did he respond?

I have people like that in my family and there was a point where I simply wouldn't go to family gatherings because of the energy those particular types put out. For a while there, there was an annual family blow out between me and a random family member for their incessant need to cross boundaries without conscience.

Originally Posted by Shadowdust

Wow, that goes beyond personality differences and just simply crossing boundaries that shouldn't be crossed. If I'm asking too much, feel free to tell me to back off but where was your husband in all of this? How did he respond?

He was at work (it was me, my kids, her and her husband in the house) and only walked in at the end after it got beyond the point of any sort of intervention. He didn't understand what was going on and so tried to settle it down which was entirely the wrong strategy but he wasn't to know.

I have people like that in my family and there was a point where I simply wouldn't go to family gatherings because of the energy those particular types put out. For a while there, there was an annual family blow out between me and a random family member for their incessant need to cross boundaries without conscience.

Yeah I won't be going to his family's gatherings anymore. I don't need that sort of drama.

I have had similar problems with my son an ISTP/J in the past,we can argue till we are both black and blue in the face and neither of us will want to walk away till it's resolved.I think that being an ISFJ with some INFJ characteristics doesn't help me in this situation.I can't stand conflict but when I have a point to get across I have to do it at all costs.My S/N are not clearly distinguishable and although I identify more with ISFJ's I have some INFJ tendencies.

Things have settled down a lot since my son (he is now 18) went to live with my parents a little over a year ago.We only see each other on weekends now which makes things so much easier.Plus he has resolved a lot of the problems he had during the ages of 11-16 which gave me cause for concern.He would never listen to my side of things,which just made me more determined for him to see that smoking pot,staying out all night and so on were not good for him and were turning me 'grey' too early.I see now that if I had just backed off and let him work things out himself,we wouldn't have wasted so much time arguing till he walked out.In the end he did see that what he was doing wasn't good for his health or well being,and that is when he decided to go live with his grandparents.They were very supportive of both him and I,and knew that we needed a break from each other.Thank God that he took them up on that offer to live with them as our arguments have been very rare since then and thankfully I now know not to push the envelope too far in his direction,and know when to shut up when I have to.