INTP, Performance Arts, and Emotionality

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INTP: What are you doing?
ENTJ: *presses on to the purple bruise on INTP’s knee and slyly smiles* Does it hurt?
INTP: It does if you touch it!
ENTJ: Where did you get that anyway?
INTP: Dance rehearsal for the musical show.
ENTJ: What’s the appeal of performance arts for you? Is it fame?
INTP: Hmm..no. It’s always been hard to me to express emotions, and this is my channel.

It’s true. I learned to recognize my emotions better and learned to be a lot more expressive after I’ve taken up performance arts. I was pretty much hopeless with expressing myself or even knowing how I feel. I used to bury and ignore until I exploded at people. I haven’t been that angry for a few years because I know how to deal with it at an early stage now.

I’ve always loved singing and composing music, but I didn’t really get into the performance aspect of it until 2 years ago when a friend encouraged me to go on an audition that got me into the ensemble of Dreamgirls the Musical. However, I realized something during that show: even though it was a breeze for me to sing the harmonies and danced the routines, I couldn’t act. I couldn’t emote. I couldn’t be the character and it showed.

I hated that feeling of incompetence and decided to sign up for an intensive acting workshop. That workshop had different guest instructors every week, some of whom were recognized actors, directors, screenwriters, and casting directors.

There was so much emphasis on the technique of drawing from your past experiences, reliving the emotions, and applying them to your scenes. It didn’t work. I already analyzed all of my past experiences to bits and no longer had attachment to them. I couldn’t feel those emotions again. I couldn’t even laugh at the same funny movie twice. One girl in the workshop was thinking about her childhood family problem and cried during a scene. They gave her a big applause. She still couldn’t stop crying 30 minutes after. That seemed like an unhealthy attachment to the past to me.

Another technique was to empathize with the character and walk in their shoes. Was this supposed to be easier than the first technique? Even if I understand the characters’ psychology well, I found it extremely hard to empathize. I had a hard time empathizing with people in real life to begin with because I could usually see multiple sides of a situation and understood where they were all coming from.

By the end of the workshop, three instructors told me that acting was not for me, and one said that my timing was horrible and couldn’t be improved. I had always been a fast learner with any type of skills. This was the first time I had to cross something off the list. I was disappointed with myself, but I moved on.

Exactly a year after, one of the (nicer) instructors called me up to try out for a small part in a big budget film that was shooting in my area. I understood the character and memorized the script, but had no idea what I was really supposed to do. I just went for it. I went in completely as a blank slate, detached from myself, my personality, my thoughts. I didn’t analyze my tone of voice, my facial expressions, or whether I should lift my right hand. I just let it happen. Somehow it worked out and they liked it.

That seems to be the key for me. Let it happen first without any judgment. Then, analyze to see how and why it worked. I used to be so uncomfortable with feelings that I’d stop myself halfway and push them back in before I even know what was happening or why.

The analytical aspect was still necessary for me. I started noticing what I could do with my body - the different types of body language and what they communicate, the small variations in the tone of voice, feeling different muscles in my face tensing up when I smile or frown. I started practicing in front of a mirror and filming myself to study. I observed my own behaviors in my daily life and began to recognize my pattern. I first feel like this, act like this, then this and this, which if I ignore, will lead to this.

Then, I thought: what if I act this way, would I create this effect on people? I started going to social events to experiment. I tried out different “characters” - I was shy, I was outgoing, I was naive, I was critical. I took interest in how people perceived me and related to me differently. If I really understand this, I could actually use it. I was taking control of the chameleon effect INTPs naturally have.

Performance arts doesn’t seem to be a common profession or hobby for INTPs. It was a completely different realm that didn’t come naturally to me, but once I began to understand, I discovered many useful applications of it - in understanding myself and others.

As I said in the beginning, acting is a channel for me to experience things I wouldn’t do in real life. I’m currently rehearsing a live theatre show where I play a greedy, malicious person who would kill for gold. I recently played a fun big sister in an ad, and an angry housewife shouting at her lazy husband in a short film. It’s an experience I’m glad I didn’t miss.