INTP with an ISFJ?

I am an INTP and have been dating an ISFJ for 5 years
It's funny reading all this and seeing the similarities in my own relationship.
I know the thread is old, but I just wanted to chime in.

No experience in dating an INTP but experience in knowing them as friends. Personally; INTP is the most interesting of the personality types I have met so far. No offense to all of you non-INTPs that will read this.

I'm an INTP and I've been dating an ISFJ for over 2 years now. In the beginning we had many problems, but I believe that we've both grown immensely since being together. I've worked on developing my Fe and Si, and she's worked on developing her Ti, and Ne. The types have enormous potential in a relationship, but only if BOTH people are willing to work on themselves to make it work. I believe our understanding and discovery of the MBTI helped us make ourselves more compatible with each other too. Instead of seeing me as a jerk, she realized that my Fe was lower on the list than her, and instead of me seeing her as emotional, and non-logical I saw the functions and realized that she had potential just as I did. It's not perfect, but it's been my most successful and happy relationship so far.

Dr. Watson ISFJ
Sherlock Holmes INTP

Before I ever read the novel or watched the movie, I married my ISFJ wife. We have problems from time to time but like every successful relationship, we learn to work through them and grow together.

Originally Posted by liss11968

I know this is an older post, I just found this website, but I would like to also put in my support. I am an ISFJ dating an INTP, we've been together for 2 years and buying a house together. I can tell you, there are definitely things we disagree on and I get annoyed about especially when it comes to directions and projects! I also do see him as lazy sometimes especially when I have to get up earlier in the morning then him and still get him breakfast/make him lunch before hustling him into a shower and out the door so we can both get to work somewhat on time. The thing though, is that I see his strengths. He is much more of a doer then me in terms of figuring out how things work to fix them. He looks at schematics and will take whole cars apart just to learn something new and say that he did it himself, whereas I would just take it to a shop. He gets annoyed with my lack of trying, when its really that I do not understand things as quickly as he does. The thing that keeps us together, though, is that we have learned to communicate. Sometimes it takes some prying, and time, but we put it forth and it is worth it so far!

Very old post, but I felt compelled to answer. I notice this pattern a lot with INTP/ISFJ relations (lovers, parent & child, friends, etc.), being an INTP myself. ISFJs complain that we don't pick up our slack, yet enables our BS because of their nurturing instinct. This is actually detrimental to INTPs (esp. for those of us with ISFJ parents) and it takes a toll on our self esteem in the long run. We value being the problem solvers that we are, not only in the abstract/technical/educational world, but we seek to solve the problems that are within ourselves. We do want to be able to cook, clean, and take care of ourselves without someone holding our hands and peering over our shoulders. We want to be more punctual and not be socially awkward.

How can we do that if the ISFJs in our lives pull us out of bed (after we throw the clock across the room/hit snooze), pull out what we wear for the day, cook our meals, do our laundry, do our assigned chores after we take too long to them (for their standards), tell us what to say and do with people, and generally play helicopter parent? While I can't speak for every INTP, I can say for myself that I don't want to be babied and I don't like being babied or coddled.

To ISFJs with INTP bf/gf/etc.: It's as simple as leaving a situation well enough alone and allowing the INTP to see for him/herself the consequences of their actions/inaction. We'll learn the hard way the consequences of waking up late (no lie: whenever I missed the bus in high school, I had to walk an hour to school and stay in the cafeteria and miss whatever class was in session until the next scheduled class), waiting til the last minute to finish an assignment, not doing xyz. If you want us to be more helpful around the house, simply TELL US IN PLAIN, TO THE POINT ENGLISH what you expect us to help you with. Say it vocally, write it, put it in code, just say it! We are not mind readers, and no, telling us "I shouldn't have to tell you. You should just know!" does not hold water. The biggest problem that separates NTPs from SFJs is bad communication. Just like we have to dumb things down for you and tap into our Extroverted Feeling so that you don't hate us, you have to be straight up and say exactly what you want from us, and not play the victim/damsel in distress so that we'll save you from yourself 24/7. We may glow from accomplishment at first, but after a while, it gets old because we want you to become independent as well. We don't like babying others either.

Hope I didn't piss any ISFJs off~

Originally Posted by LaurenLCD

How can we do that if the ISFJs in our lives pull us out of bed (after we throw the clock across the room/hit snooze), pull out what we wear for the day, cook our meals, do our laundry, do our assigned chores after we take too long to them (for their standards), tell us what to say and do with people, and generally play helicopter parent? While I can't speak for every INTP, I can say for myself that I don't want to be babied and I don't like being babied or coddled.

my mother is an ISFJ, and my 11 year old brother is most probably an INTP. This reminds me of their relationship, and your post is very useful for me in order to see where their relationship problems might stem from. My mother is very nurturing and feels she has to do everything for us, in particular my brother (who is especially badly behaved with her). Their personalities just seem to clash, with him resisting her insistent nagging to brush his teeth, get ready for school, etc, and her growing increasingly irritated and exasperated by his stubbornness and constant refusal to cooperate. Whilst I understand where she's coming from in that his seeming inability to do everyday things without being almost physically forced to (and whining loudly/crying whilst doing) so is extremely annoying, I wanted to understand the reason why he behaves in such a way, if it's possible he'll ever stop.

What you said about ISFJs and coddling really makes sense. My brother seems to loathe being coddled, and yet, strangely enough, instead of doing what he's supposed to (e.g. going to bed/getting up) he does the opposite. It's the same thing, day after day. Maybe the way for my mother to break the destructive cycle of behaviour with him is for her to let him learn the hard way. I dunno.

Originally Posted by digitalceremony

my mother is an ISFJ, and my 11 year old brother is most probably an INTP. This reminds me of their relationship, and your post is very useful for me in order to see where their relationship problems might stem from. My mother is very nurturing and feels she has to do everything for us, in particular my brother (who is especially badly behaved with her). Their personalities just seem to clash, with him resisting her insistent nagging to brush his teeth, get ready for school, etc, and her growing increasingly irritated and exasperated by his stubbornness and constant refusal to cooperate. Whilst I understand where she's coming from in that his seeming inability to do everyday things without being almost physically forced to (and whining loudly/crying whilst doing) so is extremely annoying, I wanted to understand the reason why he behaves in such a way, if it's possible he'll ever stop.

What you said about ISFJs and coddling really makes sense. My brother seems to loathe being coddled, and yet, strangely enough, instead of doing what he's supposed to (e.g. going to bed/getting up) he does the opposite. It's the same thing, day after day. Maybe the way for my mother to break the destructive cycle of behaviour with him is for her to let him learn the hard way. I dunno.

I'm glad I made you notice the cycle and thanks for the thanks. It's normal for your brother to act this way (doing the opposite of what she wants) because that's his way of saying 'Let me establish my independence, and allow me to do things my way and learn.' It may seem backwards to other types, but when do we ever march to the world's beat?

Let him wake up late a few times. Don't provide him transportation if he misses the bus (or if you do, take your dear, sweet time). Let him walk or take the public transit. It'll encourage him to not rely on others to see to his time management. He'll whine at first and may try to ask your neighbors for assistance or he'll skip (until it ruins his grades), but he'll be happy you didn't cater to his needs because he'll learn to adjust his ways (we like experimenting and observing results and we're not resistant to changing something if it doesn't work). Gradually wean yourselves off of cooking and preparing meals for him.

Your mom should lay out expectations around the house, and don't assume that he knows what he needs to do. All you mom needs to do is tell him once what she wants him to do. She shouldn't repeat herself and nag and must resist taking control of things and doing what he should have done. If she does (I know if I leave something undone long enough, my mom does it), he'll quickly figure out that your mom is an enabler and will never do things for himself when he's around her because he can't take her seriously. It will take a long time for your mom to back off -if she ever does, but he'll respect her more for it. Independence and standing on our own 2 feet is something many INTPs value and crave.

well i can say one thing - my mom is ISFJ and i am INTP
she is caring as hell - she is always running to help - when she sees some kid who fell down she is right on place and helping
or when she hears someone is in pain she wont ask a thing she will just start helping
anyway - i dont see that as a bad thing but its very different from how i function - it has nothing to do with my personality
plus i noticed she often has some hard feelings and she keeps them inside - she is often worried and bothered - highly emotional
to much worrying is what i dont get

i feel like we clash always - she is nagging often and i am often "leave me alone, i dont care"
i dont know but i feel least compatible with ISFJ of all personality types XD

Originally Posted by Hycocritical truth teller

well i can say one thing - my mom is ISFJ and i am INTP
she is caring as hell - she is always running to help - when she sees some kid who fell down she is right on place and helping
or when she hears someone is in pain she wont ask a thing she will just start helping
anyway - i dont see that as a bad thing but its very different from how i function - it has nothing to do with my personality
plus i noticed she often has some hard feelings and she keeps them inside - she is often worried and bothered - highly emotional
to much worrying is what i dont get

i feel like we clash always - she is nagging often and i am often "leave me alone, i dont care"
i dont know but i feel least compatible with ISFJ of all personality types XD

I know what you mean... some of the posts in this thread are seriously making me wonder if I'm an INTP. My ISFJ mother seems to be constantly over-emotional, nagging, anxious, blows up at the tiniest things and is always worried about everything. I'm usually like "geez, just chill." One thing I've never understood is why she gets so upset about the most trivial, unimportant things. She complains endlessly about my siblings and I not being independent, but always does everything for us. When she talks to us/asks us to do something, it's always in a nagging, over-anxious tone that my INTP brother clearly can't stand (and on certain days, neither can I... I used to especially hate it when I was a kid). I usually get on with her pretty well though, because I usually do what is asked of me without arguing. I hate conflict. Needless to say, she'll sometimes act in a completely over-emotional way and yell at me for no reason, which I have no patience for (and never understand the point of.)

Perhaps I'm just an ENFP with an underdeveloped F.

Originally Posted by digitalceremony

I know what you mean... some of the posts in this thread are seriously making me wonder if I'm an INTP. My ISFJ mother seems to be constantly over-emotional, nagging, anxious, blows up at the tiniest things and is always worried about everything. I'm usually like "geez, just chill." One thing I've never understood is why she gets so upset about the most trivial, unimportant things. She complains endlessly about my siblings and I not being independent, but always does everything for us. When she talks to us/asks us to do something, it's always in a nagging, over-anxious tone that my INTP brother clearly can't stand (and on certain days, neither can I... I used to especially hate it when I was a kid). I usually get on with her pretty well though, because I usually do what is asked of me without arguing. I hate conflict. Needless to say, she'll sometimes act in a completely over-emotional way and yell at me for no reason, which I have no patience for (and never understand the point of.)

Perhaps I'm just an ENFP with an underdeveloped F.

ISFJ cares to much and often thats too much for just about everybody - well depends which other functions are developed... but still... my mum is all that you just said as well and nagging is the right word! OK all parents are nagging, but all nagging ym mum does comes from she being worried and feeling thing in herself! ISFJs hold stuff obviously! My mum seems reasonable when you know her a little, but when you know her a bit better you can see she over-emotional person! A lot of people read her badly XD

it's simply that they can be so worried inside that you just think "RELAX FOR GODS SAKE!!!!!"
plus whatever ive done - if smth happened to me - my mum is heading to help XD
Oh yes and she is also a nurse and social worker - so she is a true ISFJ!!! hahaha so yeah, i got the real stuff XD