INTP with an ISFJ?

I think this is part of the reason why I have a hard time picturing myself having children. For me, I can only relax and be at peace when I know everything is taken care of and is in the right place. In my own life, this isn't so bad because I can easily control it. But if I'm ever in a situation where I feel responsible for someone else, I'd have a hard time letting them be because it's out of my control.


That's not to say ISFJs are bad parents. But ISFJs usually aren't very good leaders because we feel like we have to do everything ourselves instead of delegating tasks. We can't relax unless all of the details are taken care of, and we also have a hard time asking for help.

So for more independent types, I can see how this could cause friction. But I don't think ISFJs are very over-bearing when it's a situation where we don't feel like we have to be responsible for others....we're pretty "live and let live". We can certainly work on these things, but it does take a lot of work and effort.

I am currently 'courting', which is what it feels like rather than anything seemingly easy, an ISFJ. INTPs are attracted to ISFJs because they dont reject us, something we have a lot of experience with. And most ISFJs if intelligent and obvious fit the physical requirements will be snapped up by INTPs, as for ISFJs i would have to guess it is because we find ISFJs so absorbing that they get the attention they need at the start. the rest would have to be love, or a fear of loneliness, that keeps everything going

I had a man crush on my INTP friend...does that count?

Originally Posted by country_gamer

I had a man crush on my INTP friend...does that count?

Only if you jumped his bones. My first, last and only vulgar post

no in all seriousness i am curious about this. Non virgin INTPs (want non bias pool of opinions, scientific method you must understand) do you find the whole waiting thing for the physical part of relationships at the start not required? i know others have certain rules which are to be respected particularly when it comes to women but i have never had a problem when it comes to the physical side of relationships even if i have only known the person for a short time as long as everything else is there

I've just read the whole thread, because I'm an INTP and am very fond of ISFJs. In fact, they are my favourite out of all the types with a feeling preference. I think that both ISFJs and INFJs have a thinkerish vibe. Several IxFJ women have told me how they are often perceived as cold, something NT women also experience. I like that they are restrained, not over the top in expressing their feeling and dislike drama queens as much as I do. I must add that all the ISFJs I've met were grown women (late twenties/early thirties), but unlike ESFJs, I've never found them to be nagging, they tend to respect other people's need for space, to be reasonnably independent and to mind their own business. Because there is no pressure and no conflict, I find that they bring out the best in me. They just make me want to act... nice! And they seem to have an easy time relaxing around me. I've never met a male ISFJ that I know of though.

Originally Posted by TiNeSi

I've never met a male ISFJ that I know of though.

You wont see them, a nurturing caring male is as likely to find as an INTP female. It can be done but it is very hard because those qualities arent wanted in the mainstream for each gender

Wow. A lot of these posts brought back some memories and hit home with the relationship I have with my ISFJ mother. We've always had the greatest relationship. The relationship has changed since I'm older, but even when I was a child my mom always used to confide in me. When I was much younger, I acted more like an old soul. She would listen to my advice, even when I had no life experience to back it up, and seem to appreciate everything I had to say. She is the first person I would confide in about anything. Being the youngest, I think my mom definitely bestowed some favoritism towards me. When I was in middle school, she would pick up ice cream for me a few days a week or have some food in the car for me. She never did this with my older brother or sister. I honestly thought that this was what every other mom did. It was also hard for her to get me to school: constantly having to wake me up, get me to do things in the morning, etc... I could be a real prick in the morning. When I was a teenager, I started despising her at times, as every teenager is wont to do with their parents, for her wanting to do everything or be a part of everything. All I wanted was independence. It was hard for her to come to terms that her youngest child was growing up. That she wasn't needed as much anymore.

This was also the time I became conscientious of her "role" in the family. I started to realize that my mother let everyone in the family walk all over her; my other siblings were taking advantage of her; and I thought my father did not appreciate the sacrifice she was making to the family. My rebellious teenage stage as an INTP saw myself wanting to make my mom be cognizant of "women's rights" or some bullshit like that. I found myself in the role as her protector and always stuck up for her in family disputes. I guess that's why I'm becoming a defense attorney. haha. Even till this day, I'm still inclined to make sure my mom's side is heard, or will try to articulate her point of view to someone else in the family since sometimes I'm better than her at explaining.

But overall, I think ISFJ and INTP relationship can be very deep and meaningful. I think ISFJs bring out the human side of INTPs. I know I carry a lot of empathy with me for other people because I grew up with someone with such a caring nature. I give her a voice of reason when needed and she provides me with unconditional support. Mostly, she is there most when I just want someone to listen and vice versa.

I think it can definitely work out. My parents are an example - INTP dad and ISFJ mum. They had some communication problems initially because my dad wasn't the most thoughtful and considerate person around (much improved now), and he was disorganised - which kind of drove my mum ballistics. My mum also needed specific, step-by-step detailed information in communication while my dad liked to speak in vague generalities and caused my mum to misunderstand. Much of this caused accumulated frustration in ISFJ mum and when she had an outburst, my dad would shut off because he couldn't take the intensity of her emotions. This made my mum feel like my dad is turning her into the "bad guy" in the family because he didn't respond to her emotional needs and she is portrayed as the aggressor - something she absolutely loathes. She also feels unappreciated because she keeps picking up after his mess and stuff.

Somewhere in the marriage, ISFJ mum switched tactics and tried talking to my dad calmly about it, and it worked - because he was more receptive when she wasn't emotional. Slowly he became more organised, more willing to listen. I think that's the key, basically. ISFJs have to learn not to bottle up their emotions and address the issue directly, calmly and logically immediately when it bothers them. Don't wait for it to accumulate because after a period of time, certain things become irrelevant and bringing them up seems petty. INTPs, on the other hand, have to LISTEN to their partner and digest. They also need to learn some way to be more sensitive to the emotional needs of the ISFJ and learn to handle it rather than avoid it (e.g. when my mum had an outburst in the past, my dad used to go into the room - and sleep! Now, he actually tries to listen to what she's saying and deals with the problem regardless of my mum's emotional state. My mum, on the other hand, learnt to keep the argument logical despite her emotions). Also the INTP has to start becoming more organised because it's unfair to the ISFJ. Unless another system is developed where they have fixed boundaries on where their stuff goes.

Anyway, interesting tidbit is that they were first loves and married for 16 years now :) I see that they have helped each other greatly in terms of personal development - my dad became more emotionally and socially aware, and my mum became more receptive to new ideas and assertive; she can now control and express her emotions clearly such that we can understand her.

An ISFJ friend of mine wanted to date an INTP, which frankly i found hilarious because she was not capable of coping with INTPs (based on her endless annoyance at my way of living)

I showed her the new Sherlock Holmes film and said if you can live with being Watson you can live with an INTP. That has been the best test ive found so far.

INTP-ISFJ are relations of activity: Activity Relations